Not as Bright Lately
by TonksIsMyHero
Summary: Tonks's journal...not as cliched as you may think. Humour, angst, romance, and all that's warm and toasty. RLNT, but that's not all that it's about. RETITLED FROM PRIVATE THOUGHTS.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter.

**4 July**

I only just found this little notebook. I bought it ages ago, but I put it on my bookshelf and forgot I had it, so I'm glad I tripped and fell and got a black eye against my bookcase tonight, because this journal fell and I remembered about it. Okay, so I'm not _happy _about the bruises, but it's okay, because Molly Weasley fixed me right up. She's really good at that sort of thing. I've never been all that good at domestic spells.

Just realised I haven't introduced myself properly (though I don't really see why I should, it's my diary and who's going to read it, and if they needed an introduction, how the blazes did they get it in the first place?), so I might as well now. My name is Nymphadora Tonks. Basically, I'm a clumsy, silly, talkative fool, but apparently I'm loveable. At least, that's what I've been told.

At the moment, it's 3:15 AM and I can't sleep. I got up to get a glass of water and didn't bother turning on the lights, which is why I fell against the bookcase. It's just been a weird sort of time, and I've been up late thinking about all sorts of odd things. Mostly about Sirius, my late cousin. I've got a bit of a mad family, mostly Dark wizards, but my branch is okay. Sirius is pretty much the only other one to turn out all right, even though he was falsely accused of murder and put into Azkaban for years. After he broke out (yeah, I know, all this doesn't make him sound so great, but he was), he joined up with the Order of the Phoenix, a Voldemort-fighting organisation that I'm a proud member of, and he died fighting my aunt Bellatrix, who's a Death Eater. It was a horrible thing for me, because _I _had been fighting her until she hit me with something awful and I went toppling down a bunch of stone steps.

I remember waking up in St. Mungo's like it just happened. I was really achy all over and I was so tired, but Arthur was sitting next to my bed. I had no idea where I was or how I'd gotten there, and I immediately tried to ask questions, but Arthur shut me up really quickly. He just told me right off the bat that Sirius had taken up my fight with Bellatrix and had died in the process. I think I went totally numb then, and I don't remember if I said anything, but I remember him taking my hand and thinking that was strange, because he'd never done that before. And then my brain began to work and I realised he was trying to comfort me. But I just couldn't wrap my mind around what he had told me, and I guess I was in such denial that nothing made sense.

At any rate, that's something I've been dealing with a lot lately. I've sort of gotten past the denial thing and I guess I'm moving into anger or something. I still haven't cried, and I don't know if that makes me a horrible person or something, but I just can't. I've tried, and I feel bad for not being able to, but for some reason I can't make myself cry. I think it's because I'm not much of a crier naturally, and I usually deal with problems by ranting about them or something. Still, it would be nice to mourn in a normal way.

I'm off to bed now. I've got a horrifically long day tomorrow and I'm exhausted.

-Tonks

**5 July**

I suppose what I've got to say today would make a lot more sense if I'd bothered to tell you I'm an Auror, wouldn't it? Well, I'm an Auror, a Dark Wizard catcher, and I'm still fairly low on the ranks, but it's great work. I have about the only job in the Ministry where I can waltz around with pink hair, get out into the fresh air when we're on a raid, and decorate my cubicle with whatever I'd like (WEIRD SISTERS GALORE, plus the odd photo of friends in the _Prophet_, and one of me in the _Prophet_! Though that was sort of a fluke, I just happened to be standing with Kingsley at the time, but we'll pretend it was all about me, shall we?).

Anyway, today I came into the office as usual and said hello to everyone, but I was a bit unnerved because everyone was giving me these strange looks. When I sat at my desk, Kingsley immediately came rushing up to me looking totally wild. I can't say how strange it was to see him in such a state, because he usually is so calm and collected. Anyway, he bolts right up to me and slaps _The_ _Quibbler _on my desk and as soon as I saw the fifth page, I nearly choked.

Right there was none other than yours truly (so I've had thirty minutes of fame, then?) and a huge heading that said "Pink-Haired Pillock Fought Aunt!"

Well, first of all, I resent the "Pink-Haired Pillock" thing, seeing as I'm a Metamorphmagus so my hair is all sorts of different colours. I just happen to like pink at the moment. Second of all, yes, I did fight my aunt, but that's because she was trying to kill me and about a dozen others. And why – when we fought at the Department of Mysteries ages ago – are they only reporting it now? I started getting really upset while I read the article, and I've pasted it here so I don't have to rewrite it. At least it wasn't too long.

**PINK-HAIRED PILLOCK FOUGHT AUNT!**

Nymphadora Tonks, twenty-four, is one of the few

who can tell us exactly what happened at the Ministry

of Magic last month, at the infamous battle between

Auror and Death Eater, that battle that decided Harry Potter

to be deemed "The Chosen One". However, is this rosy-

locked Dark Wizard catcher really on our side?

Tonks is related to none other than Bellatrix Lestrange,

the Death Eater convicted of torturing Frank and Alice

Longbottom into insanity. At the Department of Mysteries,

it was reported that she fought with Lestrange until she

was too injured to continue. Everyone there insists Tonks

fought bravely, trying to bring down her aunt.

BUT DID SHE?

We now have it from a reliable source that Tonks falsified an injury in order to stop having to fight Lestrange, leaving the rest of the Aurors called to the scene to the mercy of Lestrange and the other Death Eaters who had been summoned to the aid of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. A Healer at St. Mungo's, who wished to remain anonymous, treated Tonks while she was hospitalised.

"From all I could see, she might have taken a Stunner in the chest, but she was more bruised from what I was told was a fall. Apparently she's a clumsy sort."

BUT IS SHE?

"I've never seen Tonks trip or anything. She's normally quite graceful. I can't imagine her just falling down some stairs out of nowhere, to be honest," said a co-worker of the Auror in question, Jecil Reedbuck. "If you ask me, it's funny."

Hopefully, the Ministry of Magic will look into these claims further and seriously question the loyalty of those mean to be protecting us.

I had never, and I mean _never_, been so insulted in my entire life. I'm a member of the bloody Order of the Phoenix, for heaven's sake! I've devoted everything to trying to protect the wizarding world from Voldemort. I noticed that Rita Skeeter wrote the article, so I'm trying not to set much store by it, but a lot of people listen to her.

Anyway, after I finished reading the article and had begun formulating various forms of torture in my head to direct at Reedbuck, Kingsley snatched the magazine away and started hissing at me. Like I said, it's very weird to see him so out of shape, because he's extremely patient normally. He kept saying stuff like "who have you told?" and "what have you said?" and "since when have you been graceful?"

I'm definitely not graceful. I can't climb a staircase for falling, and I can't remember the last time Molly let me help with the dishes. But Reedbuck and I have always been at odds with each other – because we're the same level and I'm eight years younger than him – and now we're both facing inquiries.

Hermione heard about the inquisition, and she's offered to look up other cases in which someone has been falsely accused of traitorous activities in magazine articles, which is very sweet. Remus also went on for about thirty minutes about how there's no way I'll be fired, Reedbuck's sure to be at least suspended, I've got nothing at all to worry about, would I like some tea? Now, all that would be fine and very sweet as well if he weren't being so strange. I can't quite figure him out lately. I know he just lost the last of his best mates, so I understand that he's still grieving, but he's been so odd towards me lately. I'm so worried that he blames me for Sirius dying, because I was the one who left him vulnerable for Bellatrix to attack. I don't know what I'd do if that were the case.

-Tonks

**7 July**

No hitches in the inquiry. Most of the conversation consisted of what waffle Rita Skeeter always prints, so I'm not in trouble. Reedbuck, though, got off as well, sadly. He managed to convince them that he really did think me graceful.

Right. And I'm also really a hippogriff in disguise.

-Tonks

**8 July**

Remus and I got into a shouting match last night. Actually, I did all the shouting, while he just stood there with an obnoxiously calm look on his face, like always. Sometimes I want to slap him when he's being all polite and collected, because I know he's putting it on. It drives me totally mad sometimes.

I know I'm being ridiculous and a bit selfish just now, but really…what happened was I went round to see him because I had some stuff from Dumbledore to talk to him about. We took a tea break, and somehow drifted to the topic of Sirius dying. I got really frustrated because I kept dropping hints that I think he might be blaming me, because I'd really like to know. I already blame me, so I'd rather he didn't. Anyway, I asked him straight out if he thought Sirius's death was my fault, and he just stared at me for a moment, then said, "Whatever gave you that idea?"

What does he _mean_, "Whatever gave you that idea"? He must be mad! I shouted at him for a good ten minutes about how I was sick and tired of him acting the father with me lately, and how I wished he'd just be himself once more, and if he blamed me than to just say so. Remus didn't say anything, he just sat and stared, and I stormed out.

I don't normally act like that. I think I just finally snapped in some way, because I cried after that. I ended up going to Molly's house that night and just sobbing to her for a while. I can't believe how awful I feel about it. Not only am I to blame for Sirius, I'm to blame for causing Remus to lose his best friend. It's my fault he's so unhappy right now, and I can't stand it. Even worse, Dumbledore and Harry Potter both saw me in that state last night, which was not only embarrassing, but could compromise my position in the Order. I really don't want Dumbledore thinking my concentration is anywhere but fighting Voldemort.

-Tonks

Oh, and I forgot to mention: I woke up this morning with my own boring brown hair. Molly said it had been like that the night before, but I was so upset I hadn't noticed. Really bad sign.

**15 July**

I know it's been a long while, but I've got to report: since my last entry, Remus and I have had two more shouting matches (he almost yelled back, oddly enough), another few cups of tea, and a slap. No, I'm not kidding. It was the strangest thing…one moment we were yelling, the next I'd started blubbering again, the next he was giving me a hug, and the next I'd slapped him. I felt really stupid after the fact because it was a strange thing to do, not to mention totally immature. I've been a kid long enough. I really should grow up and get serious about the work I do.

**17 July**

You would not BELIEVE the day I've had. I don't even want to go into it, except to mention that my hair is still as off as it was the other day.

**21 July**

Tiny ray of sunshine: Remus and I saw each other for thirty minutes without attempting homicide. Progress, perhaps?

Molly seems hell-bent on getting us to be civil to one another. While I think it's terribly sweet of her to care so much, I almost don't care now. I'm just so furious with him that I can barely face him. Molly, however, insists that he'll see the light and stop being such a professor. A part of me thinks she's really on his side, but at least she hasn't flat-out said so.

I know I'm being a miserable old flop right now, but I'm just so irritated with Remus. Normally he and I get on so well, and now it's all wrong. Oh, and I think I may be allergic to cats. There was one around Remus's flat and my eyes got all swollen and itchy…which is just perfect.

**25 July**

Hmm…I wonder what the kids would think of their favourite ex-teacher now. Remus and I had another of our little "yell-scream-bite-cry-hug-slap" sessions, but right as I was about to really tell him off, he just gave me a little kiss on the forehead and started heading off toward the kitchen. Well, you can imagine how strange that was for me, so naturally, I followed him and somehow managed not to knock anything over, which was odd because I was walking very quickly.

I asked him what exactly he was playing at, and why we were still fighting, because I was sick of it. He just turned, offered me a cup of tea, and went about setting out tea and biscuits when I didn't respond. Well, I was not only still livid, but I was utterly confused and sort of hoping he was all right, so I just stood and watched. Finally, he faced me and said (and I quote):

"I've decided we're not going to have any more rows. If you want to still be angry with me, then that's fine, but I'm not going to be angry with you. I care for you too much to waste time like that."

I still couldn't think of anything to say, so I just let him go about making tea and being his peculiar self. Remus really is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by a riddle, dipped in chocolate.

**31 July**

Utterly amusing day. Seriously. Kingsley can be a funny bloke when he wants to be, and he definitely was today. I guess he must have noticed how down I've been (hard to miss, really), so he decided to draw a cartoon of Umbridge and Scrimgeour fighting over a pastry. I don't know why exactly, but it made me laugh for a good twenty minutes before I could calm down. I think I was just so relieved to be laughing that I just couldn't stop. Kingsley gave me a wink and a smile, and then went back to being Employee of the Millennium.

I think today is Harry's birthday, though I may be mistaking the day. Something tells me he has a late July birthday. I hope I'm wrong and that his birthday isn't for a bit longer, because I feel like I should get him something. No idea what.

-Tonks

P.S. Turns out the something that told me Harry's birthday was Ginny. I'd completely forgotten. I haven't seen her in a while, and I wonder how she is.

**12 August**

Ages since I've last written, and so much to chat about!

First of all, and most importantly in my opinion, I saw one Remus John Lupin utterly jittery. Yes, that's right. Calm, collected, mild-mannered Remus, twitching like a first-year at Hogwarts at Sorting (or as I imagine it would look…I never did pay much attention to the Sorting, but I remember shaking like a leaf before mine). He had heard from one of his reliable sources that Fenrir Greyback had threatened a family with an attack against their little girl.

Now, the only reason I was present at all during this revelation was because I was planning on letting Remus know that I would be stationed at Hogsmeade during the school year and asking him to keep in touch every so often so I didn't go completely mad. However, what actually happened was that Remus wrenched open the door when I knocked and let me in without a word. I got really worried at that point because he seemed even paler than usual and looked in a great hurry, so I asked what was wrong, and he said Greyback was at large once more.

Well, I'd heard of Greyback, but only in passing once or twice, and I knew he liked to prey on kids. It figures Remus would take all this so personally, as he's actually made an effort to be a normal wizard rather than a savage. I imagine he feels really offended by werewolves like that, so I understood the jitters from that sort of thing. I really think there's more to it, but I didn't like to press it and risk being off speaking terms again (or worse, being on yelling terms).

Also, Scrimgeour thought it would be a brilliant idea to re-examine the inquiry about me. Lovely. I don't think it will come to anything, though, because he's vaguely a git. Plus, there's the fact that I'm an excellent Auror, have impeccably good instincts about what to say in inquiry situations, and the fact that Kingsley will probably kill Scrimgeour if I get sacked. And, of course, Tonks's Clumsy Moment of the Day: While attempting to hand Reedbuck a document, I somehow managed to topple over and knock his desk askew. In front of Scrimgeour. Something tells me he'll think I'm just as ungainly as I claim to be.

-Tonks


	2. Chapter 2

**2 September**

I know, I know, it's been forever, and so much has happened that I don't even know where to begin. Most recently, I literally yanked Harry off the Hogwarts Express where he'd had his nose broken and been immobilised by Malfoy, so he was almost sent back to London. Thankfully I noticed he hadn't got off the train, so I was able to go help him. I think I embarrassed him a lot by finding him in such a state, but he really had no reason to be embarrassed. He got in a bad situation and I got him out, end of story. I walked him to school and waited for Hagrid to come get him, but of course Severus had to show up. He looked me right in the eye and said that my new Patronus looks weak. I felt completely shocked and just stared. Now I wish I'd jinxed him into jelly.

My Patronus has changed forms, which surprised me as much as anyone. It used to be a flamingo (surprising, isn't it?), but now it's become (and I am utterly humiliated by this) a werewolf. Specifically, Remus.

Allow me to explain why.

In the time that I didn't write, I only saw Remus once, for about twenty minutes at the Burrow. I had just come by for a few minutes to greet and have some tea when he showed up. Arthur made to sit down with us, but Molly found some reason to summon him to the other room so Remus and I could be alone. She's not subtle, but she is sweet, and I suppose I have to love her for it.

Remus and I sat awkwardly for a moment, and then he just said out of the blue that I looked exhausted, and asked if I was taking care of myself. I told him yes and hoped he'd drop it, but he didn't. Instead, he leaned forward and looked me right in the eye (there's a theme with this, I think) and said:

"I can't help but feel guilt for all of this."

So he _does _have feelings! I'd wondered. Okay, that was an uncalled-for comment, I know, but I was half-relieved and half-terrified to find that he feels anything other than polite all the time. He went on to say how he realised he's taken a stupid view on how I'd been feeling and wished he had just let me rant all I'd wanted to, instead of trying to fix it all. I nearly said something to the effect of "Well, YES!" but I restrained myself and just let him go on. It was mostly the most awful noble stuff, about how he had tried to stay at a distance because he thought that's what I wanted (rubbish).

But then the WORST thing possible happened…well, it was best and worse, depending on your view of extremely accidental kisses. Yes, that's right. Just as I was getting up to join Molly and Arthur in their pretend chore, Remus got up and gave me a little peck on the cheek. Now, I have no idea what made me do it, nor do I recall deciding to do it, and I'm fairly certain my brain separated from the rest of my body at that moment, which may have caused it, but I just reached round and kissed him. A real kiss, like…and I went all funny, sort of giggly and babbly after that. Remus looked a bit uncomfortable, so I tried to joke my way out of it, but the damage has been done. Hopefully, my brain will come back into play next time I'm faced with someone I'm annoyed at. Otherwise I'll be kissing left, right, and centre.

-Tonks

**6 September**

Kingsley was kind enough to point out to me that Scrimgeour looks a bit like a lion, and ever since then it's all I can see. Every time I look at him, a roar plays in my head and it's all I can do to keep from laughing. I think it's really getting on his nerves (which is nice), and I've heard more than one lioness joke from Fred and George, which reminds me…

If there is a single wizard in Britain who hasn't seen their new store, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes in Diagon Alley, it is imperative that they go. I'd been having a rather bad day on duty, so that afternoon, Hagrid covered for me for a bit while I took a couple hours off. I didn't really know where to go, so I just went to Diagon Alley and walked around for a while, and there it was, in all its glory.

The shop is, of course, gigantic, because what else would one expect from those two? It was nice to see them, as well. They both joked about my new, rather boring, appearance, and kept requesting the pink hair to return, but I told them "all in good time". Fred kept interrogating me about the kids at school, especially Ginny, and as soon as her name came up, George jumped right in with his own questions about her activities. It is sweet how they worry about her, but she can take care of herself. She's a smart girl, and a tough one. I told them not to be so protective, that Ron was there to look out for her. Of course, that only made George scoff and Fred say, "Ron, look out for Ginny? He can barely look out two inches past those clown feet of his."

Well, I felt that was a bit unfair, and I said so. I know that Ron's just as caring towards his little sister as the other boys, even if he can be a bit dim when it comes to certain things. Well, not dim really, that's the wrong word, but it's the best I can think of at the moment. Anyway, Fred went off to help a customer, so George and I chatted for a bit longer, first about the other Weasleys, and then about none other than Remus Lupin. I swear, I've been trying to forget about him as much as I can lately, and it seems all people can do is ask me how he is and where he is and what he's been up to lately. I don't know any of it, really, except that he's living with the werewolves, but I don't know where he is, and worst of all, I don't know if he's okay. I suppose people ask me because they know he and I hang around a lot together, but I wish they wouldn't. It makes me really nervous because I'm terribly worried about him.

**9 September**

Broke a toe opening a door this morning. It seems only I could manage a feat like that.

-Tonks

**10 September**

Removed that door from its hinges, because when I opened it this morning, I scraped across the top of my foot and bled all over my rug. It was disgusting and rather painful.

-Tonks

**13 September**

I went to the Three Broomsticks for a drink today, just a quick butterbeer because it was a bit nippy out, and I was completely miffed by Rosmerta. Normally she and I have a little chat, but she just handed me the drink and walked away. I suspect she didn't recognize me without the mad hair.

-Tonks

**19 September**

Something so incredibly sweet happened today that I can't help but feel I must go back and scratch out every cross thing I ever said about Remus and replace it all with the letter he sent me today:

_Tonks – _

_I know I've been distant lately, and I know I haven't treated you as well as I should have. I'd like you to know how very sorry I am for the way I've been behaving. You deserve the utmost respect and caring in return for all you give to everyone else. If I may be perfectly honest, I'd like to say that you are one of the kindest people I've ever known. Not only did you not even bat an eye when you discovered what I am, but you have made it a point to be sure that I don't bat an eye either. _

_You know that I will be living among the werewolves. Not ones like myself, but those who have lived entirely as outcasts, detesting normal wizards and siding with Voldemort. I don't wish to frighten you, but you must understand that the work I will be doing is extremely dangerous, and there is always the possibility that I will not return. Therefore, in case I do not see you again, I want you to know the love I have for you, and how I hope to see you very soon._

_Yours truly,_

_Remus_

Well, goodness. I don't even know how to react to that, except to feel terribly ashamed for acting like such a prat and AMAZINGLY ELATED that he LOVES me and horrifically worried that he will be hurt or killed and UTTERLY FLATTERED that he thinks I'm so wonderful.

I seem to have become a human spinning wheel of emotions. I wonder if normal people act like this?

-Tonks

**8 October**

I've been meaning to write, but I haven't had the time. I did write back to Remus, but my letter wasn't quite as good. I mostly just told him that I love him back and that he'd better take care of himself. I still haven't heard from him, though, so I've been going spare about it all.

Hagrid really is the best person to talk to when you're down (besides the obvious person, I mean, but as he's away, I can't exactly talk to him, can I?), especially because when you look at the problems he has, yours seem relatively small. He's got no family, and people are constantly judging him because he's half-giant, which really is ridiculous because it's not as though he can control that, can he? But that's the same as when people judge me because I'm half-Muggle.

Anyway, I've spent a bit of time in Hagrid's hut, just chatting with him and drinking what can only be described as vats of tea. He really has got the most enormous dishes and such I've ever seen, and even though he's, well, giant himself, they're massive! I've broken two just because they were heavier than I had expected. I really should not be allowed to handle anything even slightly fragile.

-Tonks

**10 October**

Rare word from Dad! He just wrote to ask me what's new, how I've been, what colour my hair is now. I sadly had to report that I'm now stationed at Hogsmeade, trying to keep innocent villagers and students from being attacked by vicious Death Eaters, that I've been positively morose, and that my hair looks as though I've attached a rat to my scalp. Although I didn't say that in so many words. What I actually said was that I've been working hard to keep the wizarding world safe, that I've been all right, and that my hair is brown. No need to worry him.

Molly sent me a dozen apple tartlets, which I gobbled in about a dozen seconds. She really is the most wonderful cook, and such a maternal woman. I've really appreciated how she's cared for me. I think she's been worrying about how thin I've got (which I have, I've lost a bit of weight. Not so much that she should really be concerned, but a bit), so I took the hint. Next time I see her, I'll be sure to try to make myself look a bit plumper. If I can, that is. I've been having some trouble with changing my appearance. It's happened before, right after my friend's mum died when I was younger, but it's never lasted this long.

Hagrid noticed that first. Right off the bat when I saw him on Thursday, he asked why I haven't been as bright lately. When I told him I've had difficulty, he said it's probably something deep down that's troubling me, and I'll fix it when it's the right time. For someone who only had three years of school, he really can be brilliant when he wants to be.

-Tonks

**12 October**

I wrote to Remus again, but I sent it to the Burrow instead of telling the post owl to go directly to wherever he is. I figured that an owl bearing news from the outside world wouldn't sit well with a pack of bloodthirsty werewolves, and I trust Molly and Arthur won't read the letter. All I said in it was that I hope he's all right, that he's being careful and not doing anything rash (as though I need to warn him about that, he's so bloody rational). I really hope someone's able to get it to him without it being found out.

**15 October**

The Hogwarts students had a trip to the village today, and I had a very interesting encounter with Harry and Mundungus. I was standing off at a distance, trying hard not to freeze to death as it was horribly windy and sleety, when I heard a shout. Ever the alert Auror, I turned to see Harry quite literally pinning Mundungus up against the Three Broomsticks, who looked as though he was about to faint for lack of oxygen. I knew something was very wrong, so I started sprinting toward them.

While I respect Harry enormously and I believe he has every right to lash out every so often, what with all he deals with, I didn't want him doing anything stupid, so I did a quick charm that made him let go of Dung. That, though, was when I saw the source of the problem – Dung had obviously been trying to peddle some of Sirius's old stuff, some goblets he'd taken the crest off of and such. As soon as I saw that, I regretted making Harry let him go and almost tried to stop Mundungus, but he'd already Apparated.

Harry let loose a few swear words and was practically ranting. I told him that there wasn't a point in yelling and just to get into the pub to the warmth. I don't know what came over me just then, but that little bit of anger I had felt had faded, and I felt really apathetic. I think that when I told Harry there was no point, I sort of realised that there really wasn't. I wasn't just saying it, I knew it. There was no need to try and make Dung into an honest man, because he never will be. There's no need to try and save Sirius's things because he hated them anyway, and they're just things. They won't last.

**19 October**

Still no word from Remus. It's been a month. I don't know whether he's just not writing because he doesn't feel like it, or because he thinks it'll scare me, or because he can't, like if he's injured or something. I have no idea how to take it.

**31 October**

Halloween, and it's COLD.

**19 November**

It's officially been two months since I heard from Remus, and I don't know what to make of it. Arthur wrote to me to say they hadn't figured out a way to get my letter to Remus, which is horribly disappointing to me, because I don't even know if he's still alive. Seriously, I have no idea his state right now, and I could just cry for worry. And like I said, I'm not so much a crier. I do it sometimes, but only if something really, really, REALLY upsets me.

I also got a note from Kingsley, and he let me know that Reedbuck got in some minor trouble for filing some paperwork incorrectly. It's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

-Tonks


	3. Chapter 3

**19 December**

Three months since I've heard from Remus. I heard from Arthur and Molly, of course, because they worry about me as though they were my own parents. Molly invited me to come for Christmas, but I really don't think I can face all that holiday cheer, not when I'm so preoccupied with everything else. I got the feeling she's invited Remus as well, but now I've gone from worried about him to upset he hasn't written, and quite frankly, even if he's there, I don't much want to see him because he hasn't had the courtesy to send me so much as a note to let me know he's okay. Very inconsiderate, if you ask me. I'd have contacted everyone straight away to let them know I was still breathing properly if I'd been in his position, but that's me.

Dad also asked me to come round for the holidays, but I said I was going to the Weasley's. I don't really know why, but I just feel I ought not to burden everyone with my gloom. I've never been much of an actress, and I don't think I could hide how I'm feeling, and I don't want to ruin everyone else's fun. Ugh – I'm such a bummer lately, and I can't even quite work out why. Well, yes I can, but I sort of already have in this little notebook, so I won't bother starting from the beginning.

Normally, when I felt like this, I would turn to Remus, because he's always good at listening and giving advice, but who am I supposed to talk to when he's the cause of a lot of my distress? I know I sound melodramatic, sorry, but I really feel I've gone off my rocker a bit.

**22 December**

Dad sent my Christmas present early. He got me an old album by the Weird Sisters, and one by Strange Snow, another band I like a lot. While I appreciate the gesture, I haven't got a record player here, since all the magic around here affects the electricity. This is annoying, because I also haven't got a radio to listen to the WWN.

**25 December**

Molly sent me another owl pleading for me to join them for Christmas lunch, saying she knows I'm spending the day by myself and that she invited Remus and Harry's there and everything would be perfectly lovely if I went over, but I just can't make myself do it. I'm falling into some strange type of apathy lately where I just don't care. I'm sort of numb to a lot lately, and it's weird to me. Usually I'm really passionate about everything. Maybe it's just a wintertime thing.

**28 December**

It's Kingsley's birthday. I sent him a card, but couldn't figure out what to give to him for a gift. He's not one for sweets, so no Honeydukes, and honestly, he's a bit of an enigma anyway as far as interests are concerned, so it was a lost cause walking around Hogsmeade (especially considering how many shops are closed for whichever reason).

I've just reread that sentence and realised how long it goes on. Dad would murder me over it – he's a grammar fanatic.

Anyway, I finally cracked and just wrote Remus myself. I figured if I did, it might motivate him to write me back. We'll see how that goes.

-Tonks

**3 January**

A new year, a new attitude, and (hopefully) a new hairstyle?

Remus wrote back, and I think I love him a bit more. Yes, it's official, I love him. I thought for a while it was just me being a silly girl, but the more I think about it, the more I realise how much I care for him. It's not just like a friendship, and it's not a crush. I really do love him.

Anyway, he didn't write a very long letter. All he said was that he was sorry for not writing and that he hoped I was well. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it meant a lot to me.

-Tonks

**22 February**

I haven't wanted to write lately. I saw Remus really briefly in mid-January. We met in Hogsmeade, and of course we got to talking about the infamous _us_. I totally lost it and got really angry with him, because of course he went back to the whole "I'm too old/poor/dangerous" bit. It's become a mantra for him. And while I appreciate the concern, it's really ridiculous.

I don't remember if I wrote about this earlier, and I can't be bothered to go back and check, so I'll just put it here. Before Remus went off werewolfing, he and I had a serious talk. I went on about how scared I was for him, and he said he cared too much for me to see me that upset. Or something to that effect anyway. The point is, I had wanted to talk about it for a while, but hadn't had the chance to.

The whole meeting was disastrous and left us no further on than we'd started with. Even worse, he seems to think he really _is _dangerous, which is ridiculous. The man drinks Wolfsbane like water when the time comes, and he's still afraid he'd somehow hurt me. I told him quite frankly that if something were to go wrong, I'm quite capable of buggering off. But he didn't accept that. I know he thinks he's being smart about it all, but he's not. He's denying both of us happiness and it's driving me mad.

Kingsley was in the paper beside the Muggle Prime Minister. I still don't know how he managed, since he's only acting as a secretary or something. I wrote him to ask how he weaselled his way into the Muggle newspaper, but he just wrote back to say that it was his turn to have a photo over a bad story. That made me smile. I miss Kingsley a lot.

Ginny Weasley also wrote to me, which was very sweet. She just asked how I was and if I'd be in Hogsmeade during their next visit. She definitely inherited a lot of her mum's traits as far as being maternal goes, though she's less of a worrier by far. Still, it's nice to know that someone else is being raised right when all this madness is going on.

-Tonks

**25 February**

"Is it possible disdain should die when she has such meet food to feed it as Signor Benedick?"

Read that, interpret it, and know that Remus has become the Benedick to my Beatrice. Only neither of us has got a horde of friends to talk loudly, pretending they don't know we're there, about how each is in love with the other when truly each wants to thump the other. And we're not so stupid as to fall for that trick.

Sorry, I'm just ready to yell at anything that comes too closely.

**1 March**

Ron's birthday, and he celebrated by getting poisoned somehow. No idea how, no idea why, and thank goodness Harry had the right mind to get a bezoar to stop it. Fred and George have been trying to cheer up Hermione by joking that Ron's third birthday was much worse – they had turned his teddy bear into a spider that day. Nothing doing, though, because Hermione looked as though she'd been frozen. Poor thing, I know she's been down about Ron going out with Lavender (don't ask how I know all this gossip, because it's a really long story involving Ginny, Fred, George, and something about plungers). I wished I could have taken her aside and talked with her, because I know exactly how she's feeling lately, but I just couldn't. I only popped by for a few seconds to say hello, then I headed off.

I also bought myself a record player so I can actually listen to those albums Dad got me.

-Tonks

**3 March**

My Strange Snow record is acting a bit off lately. It keeps skipping on the song "Hot Ice", and I can't even get "Girdle Round the Earth" to work. I think it might be scratched, since I knocked over the record player the other day and it fell on the floor. Ah, well, it's not too expensive to get another one.

I know I said before that Ginny is quite maternal for her age, but I'm mentioning it again. It's really amazing to see how seven kids, all raised by the same parents, can turn out so different. Bill's a lot like his dad, but he can be as silly as the twins. Charlie's like his mum, but more laid back. Percy…well, we won't go there. The twins definitely are a hybrid of their parents, and I'm not joking there. I know they're mad and normally don't seem to take anything seriously, but they really are very talented and can be quite sweet, especially about Ginny. They do like to protect her. Ron's so much like his father that it's frightening, and Ginny is a bit of a crossbreed as well. I see her mum's caring and her dad's sensibility, which is such a great way to be.

I'm bringing all this up because I wrote back to her to let her know I'm okay (lie) and she totally caught me in that lie (bloody clever girl). She wrote a very stern note telling me I'd better get everything sorted out soon or I'll drive myself a little mad. And she's absolutely right. I've made up my mind to talk to Remus soon and set him straight about that ridiculous vein he keeps going on every time we meet. He is sweet, bless him, and I know he's just trying to be all noble and such, but it's getting really obnoxious. Well, more than obnoxious, but I don't really know what word to use in its place.


	4. Chapter 4

**4 March**

Figured out why my record player doesn't work: too much MAGIC, Tonks! I really must be going mad. I thought if I bought one and only used it from time to time, SURELY it would work if I wanted it to badly enough. I never learn…things don't just work out because I want them to.

And speaking of that…

I saw Remus face-to-face FINALLY, and I was all set for it to be a somewhat romantic visit, considering we've both confessed love. However, it turned out to be horrible. The moment I brought love into the picture, he immediately started going on about how he's too old for me (which is not really that true, it's not nearly as big a difference as there is between Nellie Harleton and her husband – they've got twenty-six years between each other!) and too poor (as though I care about that) and too dangerous (right, because he's such a horrible bloke, sure to strike at any moment). I very politely told him that he was being a git and that I didn't care about any of that, but he stood really firm by his point.

Needless to say, the day went nowhere. I didn't even get a peck on the forehead as comfort, though he did hug me. I feel sort of empty and confused now, because he's just denying both of us happiness by being all noble and such. I think he might also be thrown off by my attraction to him, but seriously, he really ought to get over that.

I like to run around with odd hair and act like a silly thing half the time (I can get serious when needed, but I really do prefer to be fun), and he's so dignified most of the time. I mean, he can be playful, but usually he's quite serious…but he's just so kind that I can't help but love him. Most of the people who are attracted to me are punk guys who think they could get away treating me like dirt, and I don't go for that. I know Remus would treat me with nothing but respect.

I've stopped making sense, I think, so I'm off to bed for tonight.

**8 March**

Kingsley wrote to me to tell that he heard of a pack of werewolves attacking a lot of wizards in Leeds, which is where Remus was stationed last I heard. I panicked and I immediately ran off to find Dumbledore to see if he'd heard anything, but he wasn't there. I ran into Harry, but I was so distracted that I wasn't exactly good company.

I'm really nervous now that Remus has been hurt, and I tried to get in touch with Kingsley through the fireplace, but he wasn't home. I just hope he'll be all right, because I think I would completely crack up if anything happened to him.

**14 March**

Turns out Remus is okay, but he wrote to tell me to stop worrying about him. Yes, Remus, I'll stop that right away, since it's no difficulty not to worry about your best friend (who is also the man you love) as he runs around with a pack of known killers on a monthly basis in a town he is unfamiliar with and while the most evil Dark wizard to date is ordering immediate death for anyone in the Order. Yes, yes, I'll stop worrying this very moment, you mad thing.

Kingsley Flooed over to have a visit and talk about some Order business, which was nice of him. It was good to see him again. He and I did indeed drift to the topic of more personal business, but I didn't say much about Remus. I'm still a little embarrassed about the whole ordeal, since most people would look at me and say that it's a silly infatuation to have. I don't think Kingsley would say or think any such thing, though, but I'm still not really close enough with him to talk about it. Mostly we just talked about general worry for everyone.

He's a good bloke, really, and we're getting to be better friends every day, so maybe at some point we'll be comfortable enough with each other to have a love-life chat. But I think one at this point in our friendship would scare him out of his wits.

-Tonks

**22 March**

It's so hard to be angry with someone when they're being very sweet to you.

I talked with Molly the other night about Sirius. I'm really beginning to accept it all a bit more, and I don't feel as guilty about it, but I still miss him. I feel really cheated of a good friend and better cousin. She and I got into laughing a bit about some happier memories about him, which was nice.

Anyway, she and I also talked (of course) about Remus, and she suddenly remembered to go get something from her living room. When she came back, she had a little package wrapped in brown paper for me. She said Remus had sent it along ages ago, but that she hadn't seen me in so long that it had slipped her mind. I opened it, and it turned out to be a large crystal. He'd attached a little note to it:

_Tonks –_

_I know this isn't much of a present, but I'm sure you'll appreciate it all the same. This is a bloodstone, a crystal that is meant to represent and give courage to the holder of it. I know you are not lacking in the slightest in bravery, but I still thought of you when I saw it. I hope you had a happy Christmas, and I hope to see you very soon._

_Love,_

_Remus_

He signed it "love"! And this was ages ago! I couldn't believe how wonderful it was. Molly said he'd sent it just after Christmas at great personal risk, so I did feel a bit of guilt for that, but all I wanted to do was find him and tell him how perfect it was. I wrote to him tonight, so I'm waiting to hear back. I hope he writes soon.

-Tonks

**5 April**

Remus wrote back. He said how glad he was that I liked my gift and that he hoped to see me soon. I was a bit disappointed in the brevity of the letter, but I know he means well. He does love me, after all, even if he's being a prat about the whole thing.

-Tonks

**16 April**

Reedbuck got promoted, and I don't know why. Kingsley is stumped as well. There are rumours circulating that gold was exchanged, but I don't know anything about it. I really hate Reedbuck quite a lot.

**19 April**

Gold was indeed exchanged, but none of us can do a thing about it since the donation wasn't "explicitly an enticement for a promotion" (Scrimgeour's words, not mine). Kingsley said that since he's still ahead of Reedbuck and holds rank over him, he's going to try and do a bit of digging into him to see if he's really trustworthy. I'm having my doubts at the moment. All this gold talk seems to have shades of Lucius Malfoy, if you ask me.

**30 April**

I was wrong about Reedbuck, it turns out. The gold he passed Scrimgeour went to help fund the ward in St. Mungo's that helps treat (of all things) werewolf attacks. Odd, since Reedbuck _despises _werewolves (narrow-minded git), but there's no record saying whether he specified which ward it could go to, which means there's no record that says he actually intended the money for St. Mungo's in the first place. Once I'm back at the Ministry headquarters, I'll be having a word with Kingsley about our paperwork system.

Speaking of Kingsley, his neighbour was arrested for attempting to conjure the Dark Mark, just to see if he could do it. It came out wrong, but Aurors were called to the residence anyway, and it caused such a ruckus that Scrimgeour ordered his arrest on the charges of falsifying an emergency situation. I doubt the bloke can be held long on that, considering how much space we're going to need in Azkaban for the Death Eaters when – and I do say _when_ – we catch them all.

-Tonks

**A/N: **Hello my loves…I'm sorry it's been so slow going with all these hundreds (well, three or so) stories I've got, but I'm trying to balance writing these with writing my own novel and school and being Titania in "A Midsummer Night's Dream"…so you can see the problem. I'll have the rest of it out as soon as possible.


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